Brain Infused Baked Alaska ...

So I get into an argument over the phone with my daughter about who is the bigger narcissist and she mentions that we’d been talking about my shoes for the previous 10 minutes. I concede her point with “well, as an artist I kind of have to be something of a narcissist, aren’t all artists somewhat narcissistic?” And she walks right into it with “Oh give me a break you’re not an artist … “ So naturally I retort “Yeah but I pretend to be one … it doesn’t matter, It’s all a farce -- we’re just two no-consequence carbon based life forms on an insignificant little planet in the middle of a vast nowhere universe! BAM nihilism!” After a pause she says " ... I would literally rather talk to anyone other than you right now."

Anyway, that’s how these “will you at least buy me a pair of Rockport shoes if you ever strike it rich as an eco-lawyer?” conversations usually resolve. And I would never wear Rockports, it would just make me feel better about my selfish self because all I ever got my dad was a size 10.5 EEE pair of Rockports … that’s how much of a narcissist I am. Ha HAH!

Now getting back to me.

I’ve managed to drastically cut cholesterol from my diet because I really would like to not be on medication. Especially since statin medications make me feel like I should be suspended in traction in some 50’s black and white hospital ward listening to Metalica.

Things were going swimmingly with running and my One-Punch-Man workouts and judo until a couple of weeks ago when I was walking through the market with my wife. I had to restrain myself from taking a bite out of a raw brisket. 

My wife says, “that’s like the wife from Santa Clarita Diet,” and for a second I wondered if I was turning into a zombie. That would explain a lot of other stuff … like my toenails and my media preferences. But no I still had a heartbeat and brain matter would only appeal to me in some sort of baked Alaska infusion with layers of butter …

Eating all these grains and greens I start to feel like some sort of vegetarian goat-monkey being led around the supermarket on a leash. Only I’m NOT a vegetarian goat-monkey, I WISH I could have that slab of liver or some tripe to chew on. This can’t be normal, I thought, why would God make all this delicious stuff and then make it so if you eat it, it will clog your arteries and cause horrible pain and death? This must be some sort of test maybe. Like maybe God noticed I’ve had things pretty easy so far and figures he’d mess with me. Like Job only with food … Cream-of-wheat made with whole milk and butter for instance, most people love fancy desserts and delicate meats ... not me, one of my absolute favorite things in the world is a little cream of wheat with a tab of melted butter mixed in. Well wouldn’t you know it, at some point in my middle age it became about as toxic to me as the tomato soup Top Job mixture from The Sixth Sense. Why does cream-of-wheat do me like that??? I haven't the faintest.

So I’m starting to fall apart and I think it may have something to do with cortisol levels and the absence of soluble fats in my blood. You need cholesterol, not only as a catalyst in protein metabolism and tissue repair, but in the production of cortisol -- the hormone that manages blood-glucose concentration … cortisol is like cholesterol on steroids, or I should say cortisol is a steroid. The odd thing about cortisol is its immunosuppressive effects and its inhibition of muscle repair mechanisms … it’s initial punch in effect reconfigures body systems to function optimally in a fight or flight response with repair and storage systems relegated to back-up. Blood pressure, high glucose levels in the blood and a litany of other changes to effect a quick motor response to a perceived threat.

So the reduced cholesterol in my blood disrupts protein metabolism and repair mechanisms, this results in a “pop” in my foot after a run the other morning (which has been killing since), the pain sends messages to the brain which dispatches cortisol which pumps glucose (energy) to the affected area and constricts blood vessels and further impedes repair mechanisms (and immune function). So when does the repair happen? I hope soon because between the lame foot, the hand injuries the increased blurry vision creaky joints and an overall ornery disposition, I keep wondering about the zombie thing …

There’s a stabilization period after cortisol spikes where the repair apparatus comes back on-line. I feel as if that stage is slow to trigger in my body and for this reason is failing to properly assimilate the raw metabolic materials to enable repair fast enough to keep up with damage (largely incurred at judo). So, I need, desperately, to eat more healthy soluble fats, and maybe scale back on the exercise? It’s just that healthy fats are so damned hard to come by, you can only drink so much olive oil before you start to gag.

Oh, and HAPPY HARVEY DAY METS FANS!
I know it's early in spring training, but Mets look scary AF.